Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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