I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
