I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
