Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
