Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
