I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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