I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
