a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
