I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
