This dress was meant to end up on your floor
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
