my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
