I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
