remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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