high people should be assigned attendants
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
