Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i love accidental penises.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
