Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
