I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
