so that wasnt chicken after all
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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