happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
