Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
