woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
