my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
