Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
