I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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