At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
