Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My penis needs a shock collar
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
