just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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