I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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