So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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