You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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