I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
