thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
