The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
