I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
