based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
