Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
