Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
