There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just had sex on a roof
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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