fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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