I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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