u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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