My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
