stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
