You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
