I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
