No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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