So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
