After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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