I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need to calm my uterus...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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