His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
