you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
